Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Since July 2nd the horrible evening when my Pop passed I have felt STUCK. I don't feel my life moving forward I really feel like I am still at the hospital waiting for the doctor to come tell us he is ready to be moved for testing. Obviously this isn't going to happen and yes life does go on even after we lose loved ones but I just can't shake this feeling.
Of course I was sad and would even go as far to say that I was going deeper into my depression even with prescribed medications for it. After Pop passed I was able to spend over a week surrounded by family and those that knew him well. The following two weeks my whole family was away at the shore which is when I thought I had finally gone through all the stages of grief...BOY WAS I WRONG!
I must have felt this way because I was distracted preparing for my little sister's wedding which I was the Matron of Honor. Although I was very saddened by the fact Pop would not be with us to celebrate and how that was going to affect her, worrying about her left no room for me to grieve. I kept busy making sure I had everything done and ready to go for the big day. I must be really good at worrying so much about others that I don't take enough time for myself because the morning of the wedding is when I finally hit my breaking point. When I say breaking point I mean my husband was scared he was going to have to take me to the hospital!
It was around midnight the night before and I was finishing a gift for the bride-to-be. This is when I realized I was shaking like crazy but didn't know why, come on it's not like I was getting married. I continued with the project but couldn't finish because out of nowhere I started hysterically crying and didn't know why?!? Somewhere deep down inside I suppose I knew it was because in a few short hours I would be taking part in a celebration and the rock of our family wasn't going to be there. (read here just how much of a rock he was) I also should tell you that a few short years ago the groom's mother passed so this day was just as hard for his family as well.
The crying continued until almost 4am until my husband finally got me calm enough to sleep. I awoke in the morning said a prayer to Pop and felt that I would make it through the day. The day began with the beautiful bride getting dressed and pictures at my paternal grandparent's house. We then headed to the church for the ceremony, even at this point I still was convinced I would make it through. I may have made it until the responsorial psalm was read, mentioning both Pop and the mother of the groom, but my grandmother was in the vestibule as soon as I walked in. And while it hurt my heart to see her not on his arm I was still composed.
I didn't officially lose my composure until the reception, beginning with the groom dancing with his aunt and then looking across to my mother's table and not seeing Pop seated there. I don't talk about my faith much here, but as a Catholic I firmly believe that they both were looking down on us all day. I could believe this until pigs flew and still would be beyond upset that if he had lived just 32 days longer my Pop would have been there with my Grandmom at his side and would have asked me to dance.
Don't get me wrong, the wedding was beautiful and I couldn't be happier that my little sister married the man of her dreams but the day was definitely bittersweet for all of us! Now that the wedding is over and I don't have that keeping me distracted I don't know how to handle all of these feelings rushing through me all at the same time. Some of which include...sadness, hurt, anger, contentment, and anxiety. Some say laughter is the best medicine but when you don't want to do anything but sit around and cry, scream, or just spend time thinking of memories what are you supposed to do to make yourself laugh? I tried to think of things Pop used to do to make me laugh but that just brought more sadness knowing that is all I have left is my memories of him.
So here is where you can help this "crazy" lady laugh. Please leave a comment below with a joke, something funny you witnessed recently, or anything you think will make me laugh. I am reaching out to all of you to be my medicine through this :)